Theory of Funniness, Insects and Attraction

Theory of Funniness

There’s a reason funny people normally look a bit funny – they’ve got more cosmic tension in them than the average human animal and they’ve learned to relieve some existential discomfort by breaking some of it. Other ways to break the tension are to cry, shout, speak, sing, make a cup of tea. I think what we’re doing all the time when we live is breaking the tension. The only time we’re not breaking it is when we breathe out consciously—then we are completely disintegrating it like masters of the Universe. I’ve got a bit in me and I can be quite funny. The funnier the thing is the greater the amount of tension you’re responding to, as in, the more discomfort from your body and mind you’re trying to release.

It makes sense (to me) why there is often a very fine line between funny and awkward or funny and mean. If you don’t break it the immediate effect is one of significantly increasing it. I imagine there’s a beautiful undiscovered mathematical formula for the ratio. Sometimes I do or say things that I think are really funny but they turn out to be incredibly inappropriate—like using a red pen to edit and correct the grammar of a long, annoying message written to all staff on a whiteboard by the boss. Or like starting a take-down of a colleague (directly to her) in the supervisor’s diary at work which I thought was harsh but amusing and was apparently only harsh—really, really harsh. That’s going back a bit and I’ve gotten better but I sometimes cut it so fine its hard to know even from the reaction which way it went. And the closer it gets to being completely inappropriate or offensive but actually being funny the more tension it relieves.

This is worrying. I want my body to feel awesome and balanced and I want to feel the Stars holding me up. I want life to feel easy and calm and nice but I don’t want to relieve so much tension that there’s no need to be funny.

At a yoga ashram I went to the people were noticeably not funny. Don’t you get my joke? Don’t you get how hilarious that thing I just said was? What is wrong with you? I had to run away, it was making me tense. Does meditating stop you from being funny? No it doesn’t, those people are doing it wrong. (If I am less funny when I’m less sick tell me and I’ll reconsider everything.) Those gently smiling, gently nodding, gently creeping-me-the-fuck-out, unfunny people have learned to control their reactions rather than to truly let go. There will be tension as long as we exist as material entities because that’s how we and our physical world exists and sometimes it needs breaking not disintegrating. Breaking the tension relieves it for everybody – its a gift and you have to take a risk when you do it because if you don’t do it quite right it rebounds and smacks you in the face, which if you recover from it (by forgiving yourself of your grave error), will still have relieved the tension.

Theory of Insects

Before I learned to set my body in motion towards relaxation there were certain creatures that I just couldn’t bear. Over the years I’ve learned to be fine with spiders and almost pleased by leeches, but cockroaches, oh my God they really get me. As soon as I see them I let out the weirdest most wobbly, liquidated noise and my whole body shudders. I realise now that they break me apart in a very particular way. I am releasing old, trapped carbon dioxide when I blubble out noises from my face and when I shudder its in a spiral. Their weird, fast, tiny scurrying movements open me up in an uncomfortable way. Now when I see them I think “great, you creeps, I’m gonna use you to fix me” and I make the decision to look at them lovingly and softly. I gaze at their alien tentacles and I let their movement move through me. This is why seeing wildlife is good for us. It relaxes us and it makes us more conscious. The bigger the animal and the more awareness it has the more gently it expands us. The smaller and more robotic the creature the more harshly it changes us.

I know someone who says they don’t like whales. I always just assumed they were wrong and that they do in fact like whales because who the fuck doesn’t like whales? But I think that person is a little tense and I think even the biggest most graceful creature on the planet is still not big enough and able to move and bend and roll smoothly enough to relax her. If you don’t like nature your mind is clenching your body and you need nature really badly. There’s a lady at this nice healing ashram I’m at who had a mouse in her room and she was rather upset about it. “Oh well” I said, “I wouldn’t worry about it”. “Yes but I don’t like mouses!”. Okay then, continue to freak out and feel awful.* We know all this. We know getting out of our comfort zone is good for us. But we don’t acknowledge that that is all we need to do to completely heal our bodies and our minds.

*The mouse turned out to be a rat which seems to justify the reaction more. I think we’d have to be a lot more accepting for a rat to not cause dis-ease.


This doesn’t really fit under a “Theory of Insects” title, but it is the reason looking at Nepalese people is quite hard sometimes. They are too fucking beautiful. Their noses are much more like a human nose should be, their eyes are bigger and their lips are fuller and it’s because their genetic history is steeped in yogic philosophy and practice (either consciously or subconsciously) and because their language is so beautiful and the shapes they can make so varied and the flow of their words so melodic and the transition from one sound to another so smooth. And they haven’t been invaded and had their minds and bodies fucked with by my ancestors. I’m sure there are a few arseholes in Nepal but I’ve got to say in five months I didn’t meet any. I met really chilled out people who when they smiled at you it was real and when they asked you how you were it was like they actually gave a shit how you were. Their culture makes them more conscious and looking at their symmetrical open faces makes you more conscious – and it hurts to become more conscious. Some people I wanted to gaze at forever but I could barely bring my eyes to focus on them.

Theory of Attraction

What is attraction? A chemical reaction? Yeah. Seems too like an electrical charge though. I heard that we are generally attracted to people who are in our league. If we are extremely beautiful we are unlikely to fall in love with someone butt ugly and vice versa. I guess you could look at it from an evolutionary perspective, we shouldn’t waste our time pining after people who aren’t interested when there is procreation to be done. I think “attractiveness” though is determined by tension. I think we’re attracted to people with the same amount of tension in their bodies and minds as ourselves and that mutual tension creates an electrical current that feels quite noticeable until you’re able to break it. It would explain why people with chronic anxiety really seem to do it for me.

You know when you see couples who look the same and it really weirds you out? I’m weirded out by it anyway. I think it’s because their minds hold tension in the same places which is then reflected in their faces and I think it means those people won’t be challenged in their relationship at all. They won’t grow as people, which is fine I guess, its just one more thing that marks the devolution of our species, that’s all. If you just read that and now you look at your beloved and feel really uncomfortable, I am truly so sorry.

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