Time’s Up

There comes a time when one asks themselves ‘what would I do for this world?’ Would I die for this dying planet? How much love do I have inside me? How brave am I? What wouldn’t I do? I wouldn’t kill anyone but I understand why you might feel yourself wanting to. I wouldn’t blow up the headquarters of some big mining company but I know why it would feel like the right thing to do. I wouldn’t lie. I wouldn’t trick anyone. There’s enough trickery going on around here.

I like the places of tension. I like the front line – I realize I seek it out in everything I do. Leaving stuff til the last minute then getting high off the feeling of pressure being released as I finally do the thing. I’ve enjoyed the sense of power that comes with vulnerability the times I’ve put my body on the line to show the Mind how I feel. Oh dear Officer I seem to be locked on and I know by law you can’t remove me. There’s a good feeling you get – you either have a nice time together and find some humanity where you least expect it or they get frustrated and you find it makes you smile. It’s a re-balancing, either way.

Sometimes I say things to people, they’re not necessary but it makes me feel better. They’re often very mundane statements like “there’s a bin there” but they really seem to get people’s backs up. I was just saying. There is a bin. There.

Sometimes its the tiniest little truths that are the hardest to hear.

I have a lot of tension inside me. A year ago a girl I met in Space called me from a place that was so dark and so lonely and she spoke words to me that blew open my heart completely. “I am fucking in love with you” she said. Oh it broke me. It melted me. Why do I love this person so much? What is this feeling inside me that makes her suffering so unbearable for me? There was desire but there was mostly humanity. This overwhelming feeling of compassion and love for this beautiful perfect soul. They deserve peace. Why must they hurt so?

At the same time a wizard who I’d been seeing, who referred to herself as a physiotherapist, suggested I use a mirror on my hand to try to get rid of “neurological pain” as we like to call it. She blew open my brain and my body, I collapsed and laughed a lot and took myself to Nepal for meditation.

I thought I could get the pain out by meditating but since then my life has turned upside down. I had a moment of new awareness of my body and I suddenly felt this incredible, seemingly infinite heaviness pull deep inside my face, all through my head. Since then its felt like my head has been sewn together, twisted a hundred million times. What is this? What is going on? The new awareness brought release and since then my head has been transforming and I’ve had pain all through me.

It is a slow changing deep coldness. It is pure nerve sensation through my body. Its a thick frozen numb sludge that spins through my face eternally. It owns me. It is a thousand tiny icy daggers falling through my eyes. Its the orgasm I never had coming out perpetually. Its coming into awareness and I see it does not end.

I can’t be here anymore but I can’t kill myself. There is a voice that says ‘you can’t die, you’re not allowed. You have to tell them the truth’.

Who are they? Is there any such thing? I hear cars and traffic outside. I hear people talk. What is this place I’m in? How do I get out of here?

We went the wrong way, you see, but it was always part of the plan. Consciousness runs on momentum and to create ever-lasting Life you need a bit of momentum. Over thousands of years we have been contracting ourselves. Time as we experience it is the ability of the mind to suspend the future – but it builds tension up inside us.

It isn’t just the present generation of humans borrowing from the future. Its every generation that came before us. We’ve got a big debt to pay to consciousness. We’ve burrowed avenues into the deepest recesses of our minds and we’ve got an answer to everything and there’s always something to do next. And we are committed to understanding ourselves! We will do anything for some more information. We’ll blow up this mountain, we’ll dissect this creature, we’ll stick our flag in the Moon and go dig around on Mars. Never mind those billions of souls who suffer.

Its all about perspective and ours has been a bit skewed. My perspective has changed quite a lot and now I can’t be here. The Mind tricks us in the darkest way. It makes us be able to feel the pleasure and suspend the pain. That’s what we’ve been doing for a long time. We are a species so desperately clinging on to a sense of control that we have done so at the total loss of our senses.

We are the zombies of our pop culture subconscious. We are the machines of our Dystopian future and that future has arrived. We are near automatons, raging babbling lunatics. We are barely conscious devolving animals clawing at extinction’s door. We are less self aware than every animal on this planet, save except perhaps for some of the dogs we have designed with our Frankenstein mind. We are electrical vibrating space creatures spinning the wrong direction. We are wind up toys that got carried off in the momentum of being wound up. We are scribbled, freakish cartoon characters drawn by an angry and hurting child. We are biological robots losing touch with life. We are ceaseless reaction that takes us nowhere but deeper into time and the darkest, coldest places of our minds. We are frequency receiving aliens who have very nearly lost all communication with home. We are a spirit that has been squeezing itself for thousands of years. We are consciousness on the verge of awakening.

We weren’t to know just how bad we were being. We were tricked by the Moon who slowly pulled us in. So sneaky. We lost touch with the subtle side of life but she was dancing around us the whole time. We tried to ignore the way time would change us but we knew all along we couldn’t sustain it. Science has brought progress only in the sense that it has taken us deeper into the recesses of our unconscious mind – building up tension for when we release. The medicine we think cures us slowly numbs us. The screens we think relax us steadily automate us.

I’ve never had to be the bearer of such news. Its difficult knowing what to write – I’m still here in my body being me but there is nothing else left. There are no instructions and this is just so typical that I would end up having to announce the end of time. Can’t I just have a nice time? Everybody else seems to. But I get the impression there is nobody else here. Who am I writing to? This world is a lie and its so clear to me now. When I see what we are from a distance I see that we are a nightmare of the truest kind. Oh it is so dark. And I try to let go because my body wants to explode but it just keeps coming. This pain just keeps coming. I am a cold and hard perpetually spinning broken human body. Time fills me and wants to escape.

I know there is Love and humanity and compassion. I know these things are real because I feel them inside me. But I know they are not here in this world. This world is machine and ego and nostalgia and nothing more. Modern humans are the Antichrist

I surrender. I surrender. I surrender. Please release me.

2 Replies to “Time’s Up”

  1. Dearest Halley,
    I re-read your piece ‘Time’s Up’ with the knowledge that it could have been the last thing you were to write. And this feeling, this wave of sadness, carried me from start to finish.
    You see, here is this gentle, empathic human, the one that moves and speaks at a pace that I find really calming, saying that they are, indeed, not calm. They are not okay because the world is not okay. And to automate ‘okayness’ is just a symptom of this world. And yet, inhabiting ‘not-okayness’ is exhausting. And painful.
    I heard loneliness when the words echoed in my mind.
    I read hope and radical embodiment. Halley, a front line native, shoring up a line with their body. A very literal interpretation. Etching a flesh boundary of life and death, of automatum and rebel, of clarity and confusion.
    Who are the ‘theys’ you ask? They are the ones willing your embodiment to health. To a place where the sadness, the heaviness and the pain won’t indeed kill you. And with it, you’ll come too.
    I love you little mate.

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